


Bestå Jägra America, Baby

by stellar_dust



Category: Pundit RPF (US), The Colbert Report
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-01-12
Updated: 2008-01-12
Packaged: 2017-10-07 06:28:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/62346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stellar_dust/pseuds/stellar_dust
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What's "Stephen" to do without his audience coordinator?  Utter, utter crack.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bestå Jägra America, Baby

**Author's Note:**

> Context: http://marklivesinikea.com/

Stephen peered through the curtains into his studio. This was _not good_.

"Bobby," he shouted to his stage manager, who was standing a good three feet to the side, "_where_ is my audience wrangler?"

He looked through the curtain again. Tad, the building manager, was desperately trying to pull a young woman in a _Tek Jansen_ t-shirt off of Stephen's desk. The roar of the crowd was so loud that he could barely make out the Fratellis blasting over the sound system. A wolf whistle cut through the noise, and as Stephen turned away, Tad made a frantic, doomed grab for a pair of heart-patterned boxers that flew threw the air and draped itself over the back of Stephen's chair.

"Bob_by_!"

"Um, Stephen, Mark's out this week. His apartment's being fumigated."

"That's no excuse! Get him here! Tad can't handle the Nation! _Look!_"

Two more young women had joined the one on the desk. To catcalls and cheers, they were dancing to the music, and as Stephen and Bobby watched, Tad not-so-reluctantly allowed himself to be pulled up into their midst.

Bobby grinned. Stephen frowned.

"Stop it! _Stop it_! I go on in ten minutes and they're getting dirty footprints all over my desk!"

"We'll take care of it. Don't worry." Bobby pulled aside the intern who had been busily arranging Stephen's post-show coffee and massage table. "Meg, can you give Tad a hand out there?" She nodded and disappeared through the curtains.

"Stephen, we gave Mark the week off, remember? He's staying in a store in New Jersey, and he can't get here in under three hours."

"Nonsense. It takes my limo twenty minutes."

"Well, Stephen, Mark doesn't have a limo. He would have to take the bus, and that takes three hours."

"I hope we're not paying him for this!"

"... Of course not, Stephen."

"Why's he living in a store? Why didn't he get a hotel room? Then he could be here and _do his job!_"

Stephen's voice raised in pitch. Meg had paused in the middle of cleaning the dust from his desk, and was _kissing Tek Jansen girl_. Stephen smothered a scream and violently tugged the curtains closed, and covering his eyes, stalked to the back of the room. Tad's voice could be heard in the background, telling someone to "please, sir, sit back down!"

"Stephen, um ... " Bobby answered, "he can't afford a hotel room in the city. None of us can. He called IKEA and they let him stay. It was his only choice."

"No!" Stephen shouted, covering his ears instead. He couldn't have his employees living in _stores_! It was so _common_! _Disgraceful!_ And what hurt most of all: "That's not even an _American_ store! It's -- it's run by _Vikings_!"

But then Stephen remembered that movie where Queen Amidala had baby Jedi twins in a Wal-Mart. That didn't make her any less of a Queen. Did it?

No, it did not, he decided (making a mental note to ask his friend, George L., about it for good measure). If giving birth in a superstore was good enough for the Queen of Naboo, it was good enough for Stephen's staff! ... Except, of course, for the Un-American thing. That was completely unacceptable.

But never let it be said that Stephen Colbert doesn't love children. Feeling magnanimous, he prepared himself to make an exception. One time _only_.

The crowd had quieted to its usual dull roar, his desk was clean and shiny, the boxers had been removed and his chair sanitized. Tad and Meg were nowhere to be seen. Stephen was ready to bring the truth.

"Fine," Stephen said, smoothing back his hair and straightening his tie. "Just tell him, next time, make it a Sam's Club.

"Oh, and Bobby? Send flowers - something small. And a box of non-biodegradable diapers."

The music swelled and the curtains flapped in the breeze as Stephen charged out for his victory lap.

Bobby blinked, shook his head vigorously, and closed his mouth.

**Author's Note:**

> The movie Stephen mentions is _Where the Heart Is_, which the author has not actually seen. Oh well.


End file.
